Catvertising: The tail of my biggest discovery so far


Dear Kiwi,

You have to excuse me for answering this late, but my Human was too busy doing human things, so I had to type all alone with my paws. It was hard, long and I suffered much because of an injury – one of my claws got stuck into the keyboard and when I tried to free it, one button came off, took wing and fell out of the window because I convinced my Human earlier to open it for me, so I had to write without letter C, the most important of all letters and it was horrible -, but anyway, I managed to finish it today.

We have an important issue to discuss: I found out something significant not long after your khmm… incident with the bottle and the sea. (I am truly heartbroken to hear the story and regarding all circumstances, it is crystal clear, that it wasn’t your fault. Anything in connection with water is clawful and unreliable.) So, as I mentioned, it was Sunday, the day of rest, so I was resting as everyone should on Sundays, relaxing on the top of the shelves – not on the top shelf but beyond that – watching my Human’s big black box of funny videos and noises where ads usually came from and I saw something interesting. Not in the big black box, but on the screen of my Human’s laptop. She was watching some sort of video about humans speaking in a gentle, deep voice while bright –mostly white – colored office scenes changed with soft music playing – the kind you hear in all of those emotional ‘you think it’s not an ad, because of its heroic and/or tense storytelling, but at the end it actually is’ type of ads – which Google and other tech companies would use to show how cool they are and how cool what they are doing and changing the world for you, or sometimes you change the world for mankind… it’s not always clear but the main thing is something changing and it is furry good for you – or for mankind.
Anyways, it was interesting because one furry important detail: the cats. They were using cats in this video. Not one but so many I couldn’t count. I tried but I only have four paws and a really bad sense to math problems. They were literally everywhere: on tables, on shelves, on the floor, on the couch, in humans’ hands doing tricks, come and go, meowing, flying, jumping, retreating to safety and oh, my, they filmed one using the litter – which I think is harassing personal rights and against the law.
But the main point is that they were using us to attract humans who love cats – and there are many, because who doesn’t love cats? We are so cute and purrfect and funny and etc. – to watch this and do Things. I’m not entirely sure what, but I think they meant human things. (Because humans always do something in that little time when they are not serving, helping or entertaining us, like ‘work’ and ‘shopping’ when we are low on tuna and things like that.) And I was so shocked that we were used by humans, I couldn’t finish my dinner that evening. My precious tuna dinner. Just to really feel the gravity of this, I could eat my tuna after I was dragged to the ‘vet’ – aka The Devil – and she did something to me and I felt funny and I fell asleep and after that I had no manliness. One of the most clawful stories of my life. I could eat my tuna that time, but after this, not a single piece made it to my belly.
I felt horrible and I was thinking and thinking why would they do that. We use humans, we are giving them orders and they serve us. It’s true, that sometimes they don’t understand what we want for a very long time, but we kindly remind them over and over until they get it. But in reverse, no way. And then, it suddenly hit me like the other time. Poor humans, they thought that they were using us – and for a minute, they got me tricked, too – but the truth is, that no. Those cats, those cats were using them to message us on a level which humans can’t understand but we do. As you know furry well, we, cats have problems with messaging. But not from now on! We can use humans to think they are using us, when actually, we use them while sending messages to so many cats at once, that it’s uncountable. It’s brilliant. It’s fantastic. It’s purrfect.
It took me a while to realize that not only my family can send secret messages to me through ads and videos, but every cat can. I’m sorry, I made a mistake, mea culpa. But to hell with that because now we have the way, we have the power and we have, well, messages to share. We can do it. We can tell the world anything we want and we can share, find and discuss things easily. And the most important of all, we can – this time fur sure – rule the world.

P.S. I have problems with decoding messages, but I’m not giving up. I’m on it and making some progress. I just really can’t understand all cats because of these horrible accents they have. And when I do understand, it doesn’t make sense at all.




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